S.M. Wibberley’s Blog

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As we began to implement the clear limits (obedience, honesty, respect), the Lord give us a number of other insights.

First, unconditional love.  We parents make lots of mistakes, but if our children know we love them unconditionally, the children readily forgive us. To love unconditionally means that your love is not tied to the actions of your children.  I told my boys that whether they did bad things or good things, I would love them just the same, I would accept them and help them just as much.  This is a reflection of God’s agape love which is dependent only on the character of God, not on the response of any human.  And it did not lead to more disobedience but to less, for the boys knew they were loved and didn’t need to act out to get our attention.

Second, consistent affirmation.  It’s really easy to consistently point out where children fail and constantly correct them. “Well that was ok, but you forgot to put this in there. When are you ever going to learn!”  It’s much better to catch them doing things right and encourage them, compliment them, congratulate them on these.  Then only point out lacks when it is necessary and helpful, using a coaching style (Well done.  Now, let’s see how we can go to the next step.)  rather than a judging style (Not again!  How many times do I have to tell you how to do it!).

Third, keep in mind the difference between “punishment” and “discipline.” Our goal as parents is not to take out our anger on our children, but to train them to live wisely.  The word “discipline” communicates that–we are helping them learn that disobedience has consequences (and the more they learn that at home, the less they have to learn it in more severe situations. Like out on the streets).  Like a good coach, we put them through discipline to train them.  Kids certainly sense the difference between discipline and punishment.

Fourth, discipline for surrender.  Many times when parents try to correct a child, the child will cry loudly, complain  and resist.  Then, even though discipline has been administered, the child has won.  In contrast I told my boys that I would spank them until they cried quietly. When they were older, I told them I would make them stand with their noses on the door jamb until they surrendered—and it was clear to them and to me when they surrendered. The most important single thing we can teach our children is to accept a healthy, “No!”  If they don’t learn it from us, they won’t learn to tell themselves “no” when they should and will have learn it the hard way on the streets of life.

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Teenagers or Young Adults?

When our younger boy was 7 he came home from his German school with a new science textbook.  We sat down together to look through it.  On the inside cover was the picture of a family: father, mother, son and daughter, all completely naked with full front view!

“Well,” I said to my wife, “We need to step up to the plate here!”

Turning to the boys I said, “If you have any questions about anything in this book, or anything else, for that matter, you can ask us.  We won’t be angry about any question you have.”

The next morning our 7 year old came down to breakfast and asked me, “Tell me, dad, how was it the first night when you were married?”

“It was great!” I replied.

“Aren’t you going to give me any details?” he asked?

“When the time comes we’ll talk about it,” I said.  Satisfied, he went to get his breakfast.  He had given me a test, and I’d passed!

From that time on the boys came to us with all kinds of questions, things they heard at school, on the street, from the TV.  Among many other things, we talked about sex, masturbation, Playboy and marriage.  The boys later said that this openness to talk about anything and everything was what helped them the most as they entered their teen years.

When the boys were 9 and 11 we read Dr. Dobson’s book Preparing for Adolesence. One of the best parts of this book was his talking about how teen-agers felt and how that did not reflect reality.  When the boys entered their teens and began to have negative feelings (“no one understands me”), we would say, “And what did Dr. Dobson say about that?”

The boys would reply, “He said we didn’t have to get stuck in those feelings.”

“Ok, let’s not do that.  Let’s talk about how you feel,” I would offer—and we spent a lot of time taking walks and talking.

As a result of this approach, the boys never became teenagers, instead they became young adults, responsible, communicative, open.

Later in thinking about it, I realized that before 1946 there were basically no teenagers. Most young people had to start working early to help their families, so instead of becoming teens, they became young adults.

However, with the growth of affluence after the war, the high school sports/cheerleader culture developed as students no longer had to work so much.  And adolescence was prolonged as more and more went to college.  It became considered normal for teens to be disrespectful, distant and uninvolved with adults.  However, that does not have to be accepted, as we saw with our boys.   Taking the time for communication and mentoring helped them be reasonably respectful, engaged young adults. Life certainly is much easier living with young adults rather than teenagers.

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Child Raising 101: Saved by the Bell

When our two boys were about 2 and 5 years old, we were really struggling with parenting.  Our difficulties were so obvious that my team leader, John Bell, offer to share his approach to parenting. I was all ears.

“In our house we have three rules,” he began.  Well, that got my attention! I had so many rules for the boys that even I couldn’t remember them!

”These three rules are obedience, honesty and respect.”

“Wow,” I thought, “that is so simple.” I could immediately see that every other rule can be put into one of those categories.  That makes the limits clear, easy to remember and straightforward.

The John went on,“Then tell the child what the limits are, and what the consequences are for crossing the line.   Then when the child crosses the line—as he will–ask him what he did (how he disobeyed, making him accountable) and what he asked for (the kind of discipline, making him responsible), and give it to him. That’s it!”

That little talk transformed our family life.  As we began to apply this approach there was some predictable resistance, but following through soon made us all happier.  The boys knew what the limits were (limits give security), we all knew when they crossed the line, and they knew what consequence they would get: something immediate, painful and bringing surrender. We used spanking; our boys were quite hard headed and needed it.  Other children may do better with a different discipline.  But it must be immediate and painful enough to make them think about not wanting it again.

The most important ingredient to this was our consistency in following through.  If we didn’t deal with each clear infraction, we would send a mixed message encouraging the boys to try disobeying again.  We would also make them insecure with our inconsistency, resulting more  disruptive behavior.  Failure to follow through would make our own lives harder; better to put out the effort and make things better in the future.  But with God’s help we were consistent and it paid off.

Listen to the testimony of our boys.  When my older son was twelve, we were driving somewhere together.  Out of the blue he said to me, “Dad, you are the best dad in the world!”

“Really?” I replied, quite surprised,”What makes you say that?”

“Because,” he said with finality, “you always spanked me when I needed it!”

On several other occasions when returning from visits with Middle Eastern friends, where their undisciplined children had dominated the time with whining, crying and manipulation,  both boys exclaimed, “Thank you, dad, that you did let us be like that!  Thank you that you disciplined us when we needed it!”

Out of the mouths of babes….obedience, honesty, respect.

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One cold blustering winter day while walking to school, my 5 year old (now 33 years old with a child of his own) looked up at me and said, “Daddy, let’s go back to America where it’s warm!” This comment impressed upon me again the challenge of raising children in three different cultures at the same time.  My son had no idea that the winter in Connecticut is colder and longer than here in the Middle East.  All he remembers is the wonderful warmth of summer with lots of green grass he could play in and a place to swim every day.

Living in three cultures (American, German and Middle Eastern) is, however, not a handicap but a privilege.  The Lord has designed this experience to enrich our boys’ lives.  They get the opportunity to adopt the best of each culture, to have a great understanding of others and to simultaneously learn three languages basically painlessly!

At the same time we must be careful that we provide them with a realistic view of each culture, not letting one become a dreamland in their minds.  We also must help them keep bridges open among those cultures: they shouldn’t become so Middle Eastern that they can’t fit back into American society, or so German that they are critical of the untidiness here.

How do we keep this balance?  The first step is, obviously, prayer, for all our efforts are only feeble struggles unless empowered by God.

The second step is to have right attitudes ourselves.  If we are critical of one culture or its people in general, this will certainly rub off on the boys.  It is good to point out all the advantages they have here: where in America does the milkman come with a horse and wagon, the drinking water come in a big bottle brought by a dump truck, and the call from the Mosque serve as our alarm clock?

Third is by schooling.  Both boys went to the German Kindergarten where they polished up their German and learned a bit more about German culture and customs.  They also both realized the privilege of speaking three languages as they sometimes translated for the local children who came to learn German.  Outside of school all the boys’ friends are local, getting them more into the local culture and language.

Reading is also a great way to keep the doors open to each culture.  8 year old Josh is learning to read in all three languages, both to himself and to Nat, and is delving into Ranger Rick, Reader’s Digest and National Geographic.

The most important area is a-cultural, that of training in spiritual things.  Consistent family devotions are important, as is memorizing Scripture. But of primary importance is our attitude as parents.  I can’t expect them to learn thankfulness if I’m always complaining, or kindness if I’m unkind.  Nor will they learn the power of prayer if I do things only in my own strength. That is the greatest challenge of all to live out before what I say I believe.

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